Trying to Catch our Breath

    Earlier this month, Ryan returned to work at American Greetings and his old shift of 3:30-11:30. That shift wasn't so bad when I was in college. I still saw him a lot and he was able to watch Rylee while I was in class with assistance from his parents or grandparents when our schedules overlapped, so Rylee didn't have to go to daycare or anything. But things are different now. I work full time, Rylee is in school, and Payton is in preschool, so this shift means we only get to see him on Saturdays and Sundays. The girls and I have been struggling to adjust to this new schedule, but I think we are finally getting used to it. We sure do enjoy our weekends together, now!

     Last Saturday, I took the girls to a birthday party while Ryan worked on his car. Towards the end of the party, there was a lot of noise and Rylee got a little overstimulated. So she was pretty on edge the rest of the evening, and then she fell asleep in my lap while we were at dinner. When we got home, she was ready to eat and play with daddy and then Payton Joy fell asleep laying on me in bed watching cartoons. It was a tough day, Payton is going through a "threenager" phase. She has been super over-dramatic and whiny over every little thing. Rylee was just overwhelmed, but that doesn't make her meltdowns any easier to deal with... But when they fall asleep on me like this, it reminds me that they are still my little babies and this too shall pass. I will savor each memory with them. They won't stay little forever.

      Friday night we went to Chickfila and then cosmic bounce with Liz, Brandon, Kade, and Levi. It was a lot of fun. The girls were both in great moods and other than the gemstone falling out of Payton Joy's 25 cent ring, we didn't have any major crises.

    But Rylee wasn't feeling 100%. The weather has been bouncing back and forth so I was hoping that's all it was, but wh she was up all night Saturday night coughing, I decided to take her to urgent care. Sure enough, she has Strep - again! Then this morning I woke up feeling terrible and Payton was very congested, so we went to the doctor, and it turns out I have strep, too. Payton Joy has an upper respiratory infection. So after lots of copays and antibiotics for everyone, hopefully we will be good as new in no time.

The A-Word

    It has been roughly 46 hours since I heard that word, the one that made my ears ring and my breath catch in my throat: Autism.
    You'd have to be living under a rock these days to avoid that word. After all, it is the buzz word when it comes to developmental delays, but there is A LOT of confusion and misinformation floating around concerning it. For you, hearing that word probably doesn't change your life, but when you are sitting in a doctor's office after HOURS of testing and evaluation, and the doctor says things like, "...results which are atypical for a child her age," and "...significantly delayed," and "...needs substantial support," hearing that word is devastating. My child, my angel, my Love, has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

      Thursday was the longest day of my life. We woke up early and dropped Payton Joy off at daycare like we do everyday, but instead of heading to school, we were heading to the UT Boling Center for Developmental Disabilities where Rylee Love had an appointment to undergo a full psychological evaluation. If you have followed my blog, you know she has had difficulties with anxiety and panic attacks since she was very young. She also had some other concerning symptoms, that led me to ask her pediatrician for a referral for further testing this summer. In September, The Boling Center called me in for a 2 hour parent interview where we discussed Rylee and her development and what I had observed, and they decided there was enough red flags to go ahead and give her an evaluation. So now the time for answers had finally come, and I thought I was ready... But then they said that word.
     They started with the good news. Her IQ and Cognitive function test scores were very high, They gave her a reading level test and her reading level was at 8 years, 8 months (She is currently only 6 years, 6 months old.), the doctor said with her scores, he would consider her intellectually gifted. Her adaptive skills test scores were in the lower end of the average range meaning that she does have the adaptive skills of a neuro-typical child. But then came the bad news, even though she has good language skills, her social communication skills are not where they need to be. Her inattention and hyperactivity levels are highly elevated. Her emotional regulation skills are lacking. She has high levels of anxiety (we knew that already). But most concerning to the doctors (and what made me ask for the referral in the first place) were her restrictive, repetitive behaviors. She has several, and they usually show up most when she is anxious. She licks her fingers over and over again. She chews on and eats her hair and fingernails. She constantly fidgets. She moves her fingers in an atypical, repetitive way when she is stressed. There are others, too, but what they are doesn't really matter. The fact that she needs these motions to process her environment is the issue. She has Autism.

     As hard as the truth is to accept, I know that knowing what the problem is is the best way for us to support her and get her the services she needs to help improve her deficits and continue to build upon her strengths. I wrote a poem Thursday night about how I felt about her diagnosis. Writing is my coping mechanism, and it helped me process my emotions. I started out writing feeling devastated and ended feeling hopeful and filled with faith. In my daily Bible studies, a verse has stood out to me for her and for me. Deuteronomy 31:8 "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you." God created this child in His own image. He did not make a mistake. I have no doubts that she is going to do great things in life. I am also glad to know that there is a reason for her struggles and that we now know what that reason is. I hope with this knowledge will come understanding and compassion from those around her.

      Because Autism is a Spectrum Disorder, it looks completely different in every child. It all depends on where that child falls on the spectrum. Rylee Love happens to have High Functioning Autism. This means she doesn't have the intellectual impairments or language impairments that often go along with the disorder. The difficult thing about this disorder is that it is invisible in many ways. Because she can walk and talk and does well in school, there are some who don't understand that she has a disability. She is a child with special needs, and just because her needs don't require her to be in a wheelchair or have academic interventions, does not mean that her needs don't matter. She NEEDS sensory breaks when she is feeling overwhelmed. She NEEDS compassion and understanding that a meltdown is not the same as a tantrum and is completely out of her control. She NEEDS empathy when she is feeling anxious-no matter how irrational her fears may seem, to her they are very real, and the panic she feels won't go away just because you think she shouldn't be afraid. She NEEDS structures in place to help her tune out all her surrounding stimulation and focus. She NEEDS to be allowed to fidget and move around. She NEEDS assistance with executive function (self-control) and organizational skills. But most of all, she NEEDS love. When I told her about her diagnosis and explained as much as I could to her, she seemed so relieved. "People call me weird sometimes," she said. As my heart shattered, I replied, "You are NOT weird. Your brain just works differently than theirs does and because they are not smart enough to understand that they think it is weird. Maybe if someone calls you weird in the future, you can tell them about your Autism, so they will know better." After lots of questions and tons of snuggles and hugs, her final observation was, "I like my different brain." Lord, please let her always feel that way!

The First Snow of 2017

     Teachers went back to school from Christmas Break on Wednesday, and students came back on Thursday. Then on Friday, it snowed! I guess God thought we needed another break after working for 2 whole days! Haha! The weathermen were acting like we weren't really going to get anything, so I had a feeling we just might. When my alarm went off at 5 Friday morning, it was snowing heavily and it didn't stop until nearly 11. I had 2 very excited little girls begging to go outside and play in it.

    So, of course, that's what we did. It was so cold out, but they had too much fun to care. It was too dry and fluffy to make snowmen, but it didn't stop Rylee from making snowballs that would explode into freezing snow puffs when she threw them at us. It was so funny.

     We played outside for about 45 minutes before we were too cold to take it any more. Then we spent the rest of the day playing inside, enjoying our unexpected day off.

     Ryan had to work Friday, so Saturday morning, the girls convinced him he needed to play in the snow with them. It was still so cold, but they played outside for over an hour before calling it quits.

   Sunday, we stayed in all day and spent time together as a family. It was still below freezing so some of the roads were still pretty rough, so we couldn't make it to church. Since it never got above freezing all weekend, the roads were still too bad this morning for us to go to school, so we got another snow day. It finally warmed up today, and everything is finally melting away. The girls spent a lot of time outside today while I worked on some lesson plans and tried to make sure I am back on track to get back into the swing of things tomorrow. We had such a fun long weekend. And now I can't wait to get back to school and hear all about how my 20 Pre-K babies spent their snow days!

Hello 2017*

     We started out New Year's Eve by celebrating Jenna's 5th birthday! I cannot believe she is already 5-year-old! Time is really flying! She had a Troll birthday party and Payton Joy had an absolute blast! Rylee Love took a while to warm up, but after spending most of the party coloring in the Troll coloring books that Jenna gave out as party favors, she finally joined in to play with the other kids towards the end of the party.

     After the party, we headed where we have spent every New Year's Eve since 2012: Liz and Brandon's. The kids had a blast playing with all the new toys from Christmas and pigging out on pizza and Brandon cooked us Chicken and Dumplin's! Yum! 

      When we left, Rylee Love stayed behind for a slumber party with Kaden. Both kids have been begging for a sleepover for a while now, so they were both ecstatic! Bless Aunt Liz and Uncle Brandon's hearts because these 2 excited kiddos stayed up until 11 playing and laughing.

     This morning at church, Payton was so thrilled to see Rylee walk in. You would have thought she'd been gone for a month instead of 1 night. It was sweet. Then after church we headed to Jackson to use some gift cards we had from Christmas and just spend the day together as a family. It was great!

     We had a pretty good 2016, even though it definitely had its ups and downs. We got to spend time with those we love, watch our beautiful girls grow, spend some time with our toes in the sand and the sun on our skin, and witness a miracle transformation in my brother's life. Even in the difficult moments-the unexpected move, my rims getting damaged, Ryan's unpredictable work shifts, and watching my strained relationship with my parents turn into a nonexistent relationship-I could feel that everything that was happening was happening in accordance to God's perfect plan. Even though the move was not in our plan, the lower rent at our new house is allowing us to save up so we can hopefully buy a home of our own one day. Ryan will be returning to work for American Greetings next week, so he will have a much more stable work-life. We may not be able to get much time together during the week with his "new" job, but being less stressed will allow us to enjoy our time together so much more. Hid recent over-time heavy work schedule and his upcoming shift change has also encouraged me to be a much more mindful parent. When it's just me and the girls at home, I am forced to pay more attention and be even more present in their lives. They are growing up so quickly and I am thankful for the extra push to enjoy every moment. That leads me to my resolutions for 2017. This year I have 3.
     1. I want to spend less time on social media and more time in my Bible.
     2. I want to be more present in the lives of everyone I love and fight the urge to stay          off by myself.
     3. I want to drink more water and less diet coke. (Diet Coke has been my best                  friend in 2016 and it's time for me to cut back. I know I can't/won't commit to                  quitting right now, but maybe if I cut back now I can quit it in 2018, who knows?