A LONG, Short Week

     Why does it always seem like "short" weeks last 10x longer than normal weeks?! Monday we were out of school for President's Day. It was great to have some extra time with my little family and to finally get some time to relax. As much as I love a 3 day weekend, 4 day work weeks always seem to be way crazier than others, and this one was no exception.

     Tuesday morning, my attendance clerk came in with a withdrawal form for one of my students. He was moving away! I embarrassed myself a little by tearing up when she told me, but she seemed to think it was endearing that I care so much. The whole process happened very suddenly, and it was super hard for me to say goodbye to him and his older brother who I taught last year. The students in my class are my babies, and I love them all. It is hard enough for me to say goodbye when the end of the school year comes in May, and even then the only thing that makes that a little easier is the excitement of the upcoming Summer break! But having to say goodbye early and unexpectedly makes me sad. I have been told more than once I get way too attached to my students, but I really can't help it. I have such a heart for children, and I absolutely love my students.

       Wednesday we started the day with a LeBonheur Heart Fundraiser Celebration. The whole school participated in the fundraiser throughout the first 2 weeks of February, and we were celebrating that we reached and surpassed our goal of raising $5,000 to support LeBonheur Children's Hospital! There was a school wide incentive that students who raised more than a certain amount were going to be able to pie the principals in the face. Well, even though Rylee Love met that goal, she chose not to pie a principal. I knew she wasn't going to participate, but watching all the other kids who met the goal have so much fun and knowing she was missing out because she was too anxious to participate really hurt my heart. This picture of her class from that day absolutely breaks my heart. It's kinda hard to see, but she has her chin down and her bottom lip out in a full pout while most of her peers have huge smiles on their faces, and even though a few look like maybe they weren't ready for the picture to be taken, at least they don't look sad like she does. As if that wasn't enough for one day, as the day went on I had not one, but two different issues come up with parents of some of my students. Obviously, I wouldn't discuss those issues, but I left Wednesday with a huge headache and a thought in the back of my mind that maybe I should've been an accountant. It was just one of those days.
       Unfortunately, the day didn't get better when we left school. At church Wednesday night, Rylee was being super clingy so she decided to come into the preschool class with me and Payton Joy instead of to her regular class. It was going alright for the most part until after the activity when all the children were given balloons. We left activity to go to craft, and the craft included working with pipe cleaners. You can imagine what happened next as the kids touched their balloons with the pipe cleaners and nearly all of their balloons popped at once. As if the noise from a balloon popping isn't enough to send Rylee Love into a meltdown, add that with the fact that she now did not have her beloved balloon any longer, and cue the screaming. We tried to calm her, but finally I gave up and just took her and Payton home. We got home and Rylee was still crying. I tried to put her to bed, but she started to freak out and came to me begging me to help her calm down. I held her in my arms in my bed and we both cried together until she finally fell asleep. By the time she fell asleep, she had been crying for nearly an hour and a half.
     This is what I don't think most parents understand. Autistic meltdowns are not the same as tantrums. A tantrum is an attention seeking behavior; a meltdown is a complete loss of control. Until your child begs you for help because they don't want to be screaming and crying anymore than you want them to, until your child hyperventilates because they are so upset about not being able to make sense of their emotions in that moment, until your child becomes so overstimulated that even the slightest sound, smell, touch, or sight can set them off into a panic attack, please don't tell me how "proper discipline" can "fix" my child's autism.

     Thursday afternoon, we had our initial review of Rylee's psychological evaluation with the school. Ryan and I met with Ms. Beth, the school counselor, a speech and language pathologist, and the SPED consulting teacher. We discussed what her test results were, what the doctors had recommended, what deficits and behaviors we were seeing at school, and what we thought would be the best plan of action in the future to best support her. Ms. Beth has been so awesome with Rylee this year, she has provided her with some much needed support, and that has made Rylee very successful in first grade. However, to protect Rylee and insure she always gets the support she needs, we will need to put an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) in place. It's not like I heard any new information in that meeting, but sometimes the simple reality that Rylee is not like her peers and will need these extra supports in order to be successful just gets to me. I love my child for who she is, and I wouldn't change a single thing about her, but I sure do wish I could make life easier for her. I have fought every single day since her diagnosis and even before then to try to raise awareness. I wish this world was more accepting of people's differences, but I do know that even now it is much more accepting than it was when my generation was growing up, and I hope that in time it will be even more so. Different is not less.

      Friday wasn't as bad as the other days. It was actually a pretty good day. My students were awesome, like always, and I got the chance to meet my new student who will be starting Monday. But during my students' rest time, I happened to walk by the first grade restroom just in time to see Rylee run in with tears in her eyes. As she stood in the corner of the restroom crying softly, I called her to me and took her into the teacher work room, and as tears rolled down her little cheeks she said, "I've been in trouble all day, and I feel bad about myself, and I just want to go home!" I was genuinely confused. Her teacher uses a Class Dojo app that updates parents about their child's behavior throughout the day, and since my students were asleep at that time, I had just checked it. She hadn't received any "bad points" that day. I just hugged her tight and told her she was doing just fine, and reminded her we were almost to the weekend. Thankfully, that worked, and she was able to pull herself together and have an uneventful rest of the day. Later I found out she was having trouble with her 2 friends in her class. It has been pretty challenging for Rylee to make friends in the first place, so I really hate that this is going on. Apparently the drama starts in first grade these days. I really wish they would save this mess until middle school like we used to...

     Today is Saturday, or as the girls like to call it, "Daddy Day!" I am thankful for another weekend to spend with my precious little family and very hopeful that next week will be better than this one was.

First Grade Field Trip Fun

      Yesterday, I took a personal day off from work to spend the day with Rylee Love and her class at the Fire Museum of Memphis. The Museum was great, there was a lot to see and a lot for the kids to do. Rylee loved the play area. There were games, pretend fire trucks they could climb in, a pole to slide down, and dress up.

     Unfortunately, it seemed like the staff was rushing us through all the exhibits, so it was kinda hard to enjoy everything, and there were some parts of the museum we didn't even get to go into. So after being rushed from exhibit to exhibit, the kids got to play for a short time, then we rushed up into the room upstairs where we were going to eat lunch. Only there was still over an hour before lunch was scheduled to arrive, so the teachers had to act fast and try to entertain the students.

     All this rushing around and then not being able to play for very long, left Rylee Love frustrated. She got very close to having a meltdown and even tried to run away from the group at one point. I think she was just over stimulated and looking for solitude. But using some sensory items I had brought in her backpack, she was able to keep hr cool for the most part and at least we didn't have a full-on screaming, crying meltdown in a museum full of people. Even though, the pace of tour was too fast, and we had a rough ending to the trip, it was a lot of fun in the beginning and while we were seeing everything. I really enjoyed the museum itself. After Rylee Love napped all the way back to school, she was feeling better, too. And we made it home in time to see Ryan before he headed to work last night, so that was a major plus. Today we have had a lazy day, and it was exactly what we needed. I am glad this is a 3-day weekend! And I am so thankful for time to relax with those I love the most!

Valentine's Day 2017

     Sunday, we had a Valentine's Day themed lesson in church, so of course the girls had to dress for the occasion. Unfortunately, after all the fun we had Saturday and with Rylee Love still not feeling very well, both girls were very whiny, so we went home after Sunday School. But they did get a good start on learning John 3:16. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my babies learn about Jesus! When we got home, we gave them their Valentines from us since Ryan wouldn't be home on Valentine's Day. Payton Joy got Inside Out, a Shimmer and Shine DVD, and gummies. Rylee Love got Minecraft and Kitkats. Then Monday, I got them the Troll movie to share.

     Tuesday was Valentine's Day. Since we had school, both girls got to celebrate at school with all their friends. We labeled cards, and of course I had to make them special shirts to wear. Their shirts say "I am SO loved. John 3:16" There is no greater love than that...

     I got spoiled at school by my students, and then I came home to more. Ryan had baked my favorite peanut butter cookies and arranged them in a heart around a photo from our wedding, and he bought me flowers! I sure do love him! He got spoiled too. I bought him his favorite Reeses, and cooked then packed his favorite dinner for him to take to work: Salisbury steak, white rice, and green beans. I also included some chocolate chip cookies and a little love note. <3 p="">

    Last night at church, we had a Valentine's party for the kids. They ordered pizza, and had treats, and games, and a craft. Unfortunately, Rylee Love was set off when the pizza arrived, and it was Dominos and not her favorite: Pizza Hut. I know this sound trivial, but sometimes with Autism, the triggers to meltdowns aren't the big things, it's the little stuff that the rest of us really wouldn't think twice about. She started to scream. And when she is having a meltdown, it becomes impossible to reason with her. I tried to bribe her to stop, I tried to hold her and calm her, I tried to be tough on her and tell her to dry it up, I offered to just take her home. Nothing worked until the meltdown had passed. Once it had passed, she did the craft with her friends, and then had a blast playing duck-duck-goose. But it was hard to deal with her being so upset and not being able to "fix" it. That's the thing that gets to me about her having autism and why I fought for answers before I knew it was autism, I knew when she would have these meltdowns that it was different than a tantrum. Discipline can prevent tantrums, but the only thing I have found to prevent meltdowns is to avoid triggers. This trigger was a new one. She's eaten Dominos pizza in the past without a problem. I'm not sure why it warranted screaming and crying for half an hour last night, but that's the hardest part is that her triggers are constantly changing, and lately it seems she's even more prone to meltdown than she ever has been before. I am hoping that with some new strategies, and extra sensory breaks, that soon she will be able to recognize when she is close to melting down and be able to use a strategy to avoid going into full meltdown mode.

Bailey is 7!

     Well... I thought we would be good as new soon, but after only being off antibiotics for 2 days, I picked Rylee up from school Friday to discover she was running fever and coughing like crazy! Poor kid! I took her straight to Urgent Care and the doctor determined she most likely has antibiotic resistant strep, so he gave her a stronger antibiotic and sent us on our way. I really hope this works and she gets better soon!

    Yesterday, we celebrated Bailey's 7th birthday. She got a trampoline for her birthday, and the kids loved trying it out. They jumped, then played on the swings, and just had a blast. Because all of our lives have just gotten busier and busier, the cousins don't get to see each other as much as they used to, but they have so much fun when they are together.

      Bailey had a ball opening presents, eating cake, and bashing the pinata. It was a really fun party! I can't believe my Bailey'girl is 7! It doesn't seem right... That means Rylee Love will be 7 soon. Man! Time sure does fly!

     After the party, we headed to Nonna and Granddaddy's because Mel, Austin, and Callie had come to town for a quick visit. Unfortunately, Rylee was worn out from Bailey's party and from not feeling well, and she didn't interact much with them at all, but Payton Joy had an absolute blast playing and being silly with her cousins. We went out to dinner, but Rylee was fading fast. She didn't eat much of anything and spent the whole dinner coughing, so we had to head home afterwards instead of spending more time together. I can't wait until my big girl is feeling like herself again. It seem like she has been sick constantly since December. It was like this with her last winter, too. We are so ready for summer and no more sickies!

Trying to Catch our Breath

    Earlier this month, Ryan returned to work at American Greetings and his old shift of 3:30-11:30. That shift wasn't so bad when I was in college. I still saw him a lot and he was able to watch Rylee while I was in class with assistance from his parents or grandparents when our schedules overlapped, so Rylee didn't have to go to daycare or anything. But things are different now. I work full time, Rylee is in school, and Payton is in preschool, so this shift means we only get to see him on Saturdays and Sundays. The girls and I have been struggling to adjust to this new schedule, but I think we are finally getting used to it. We sure do enjoy our weekends together, now!

     Last Saturday, I took the girls to a birthday party while Ryan worked on his car. Towards the end of the party, there was a lot of noise and Rylee got a little overstimulated. So she was pretty on edge the rest of the evening, and then she fell asleep in my lap while we were at dinner. When we got home, she was ready to eat and play with daddy and then Payton Joy fell asleep laying on me in bed watching cartoons. It was a tough day, Payton is going through a "threenager" phase. She has been super over-dramatic and whiny over every little thing. Rylee was just overwhelmed, but that doesn't make her meltdowns any easier to deal with... But when they fall asleep on me like this, it reminds me that they are still my little babies and this too shall pass. I will savor each memory with them. They won't stay little forever.

      Friday night we went to Chickfila and then cosmic bounce with Liz, Brandon, Kade, and Levi. It was a lot of fun. The girls were both in great moods and other than the gemstone falling out of Payton Joy's 25 cent ring, we didn't have any major crises.

    But Rylee wasn't feeling 100%. The weather has been bouncing back and forth so I was hoping that's all it was, but wh she was up all night Saturday night coughing, I decided to take her to urgent care. Sure enough, she has Strep - again! Then this morning I woke up feeling terrible and Payton was very congested, so we went to the doctor, and it turns out I have strep, too. Payton Joy has an upper respiratory infection. So after lots of copays and antibiotics for everyone, hopefully we will be good as new in no time.

The A-Word

    It has been roughly 46 hours since I heard that word, the one that made my ears ring and my breath catch in my throat: Autism.
    You'd have to be living under a rock these days to avoid that word. After all, it is the buzz word when it comes to developmental delays, but there is A LOT of confusion and misinformation floating around concerning it. For you, hearing that word probably doesn't change your life, but when you are sitting in a doctor's office after HOURS of testing and evaluation, and the doctor says things like, "...results which are atypical for a child her age," and "...significantly delayed," and "...needs substantial support," hearing that word is devastating. My child, my angel, my Love, has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

      Thursday was the longest day of my life. We woke up early and dropped Payton Joy off at daycare like we do everyday, but instead of heading to school, we were heading to the UT Boling Center for Developmental Disabilities where Rylee Love had an appointment to undergo a full psychological evaluation. If you have followed my blog, you know she has had difficulties with anxiety and panic attacks since she was very young. She also had some other concerning symptoms, that led me to ask her pediatrician for a referral for further testing this summer. In September, The Boling Center called me in for a 2 hour parent interview where we discussed Rylee and her development and what I had observed, and they decided there was enough red flags to go ahead and give her an evaluation. So now the time for answers had finally come, and I thought I was ready... But then they said that word.
     They started with the good news. Her IQ and Cognitive function test scores were very high, They gave her a reading level test and her reading level was at 8 years, 8 months (She is currently only 6 years, 6 months old.), the doctor said with her scores, he would consider her intellectually gifted. Her adaptive skills test scores were in the lower end of the average range meaning that she does have the adaptive skills of a neuro-typical child. But then came the bad news, even though she has good language skills, her social communication skills are not where they need to be. Her inattention and hyperactivity levels are highly elevated. Her emotional regulation skills are lacking. She has high levels of anxiety (we knew that already). But most concerning to the doctors (and what made me ask for the referral in the first place) were her restrictive, repetitive behaviors. She has several, and they usually show up most when she is anxious. She licks her fingers over and over again. She chews on and eats her hair and fingernails. She constantly fidgets. She moves her fingers in an atypical, repetitive way when she is stressed. There are others, too, but what they are doesn't really matter. The fact that she needs these motions to process her environment is the issue. She has Autism.

     As hard as the truth is to accept, I know that knowing what the problem is is the best way for us to support her and get her the services she needs to help improve her deficits and continue to build upon her strengths. I wrote a poem Thursday night about how I felt about her diagnosis. Writing is my coping mechanism, and it helped me process my emotions. I started out writing feeling devastated and ended feeling hopeful and filled with faith. In my daily Bible studies, a verse has stood out to me for her and for me. Deuteronomy 31:8 "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you." God created this child in His own image. He did not make a mistake. I have no doubts that she is going to do great things in life. I am also glad to know that there is a reason for her struggles and that we now know what that reason is. I hope with this knowledge will come understanding and compassion from those around her.

      Because Autism is a Spectrum Disorder, it looks completely different in every child. It all depends on where that child falls on the spectrum. Rylee Love happens to have High Functioning Autism. This means she doesn't have the intellectual impairments or language impairments that often go along with the disorder. The difficult thing about this disorder is that it is invisible in many ways. Because she can walk and talk and does well in school, there are some who don't understand that she has a disability. She is a child with special needs, and just because her needs don't require her to be in a wheelchair or have academic interventions, does not mean that her needs don't matter. She NEEDS sensory breaks when she is feeling overwhelmed. She NEEDS compassion and understanding that a meltdown is not the same as a tantrum and is completely out of her control. She NEEDS empathy when she is feeling anxious-no matter how irrational her fears may seem, to her they are very real, and the panic she feels won't go away just because you think she shouldn't be afraid. She NEEDS structures in place to help her tune out all her surrounding stimulation and focus. She NEEDS to be allowed to fidget and move around. She NEEDS assistance with executive function (self-control) and organizational skills. But most of all, she NEEDS love. When I told her about her diagnosis and explained as much as I could to her, she seemed so relieved. "People call me weird sometimes," she said. As my heart shattered, I replied, "You are NOT weird. Your brain just works differently than theirs does and because they are not smart enough to understand that they think it is weird. Maybe if someone calls you weird in the future, you can tell them about your Autism, so they will know better." After lots of questions and tons of snuggles and hugs, her final observation was, "I like my different brain." Lord, please let her always feel that way!

The First Snow of 2017

     Teachers went back to school from Christmas Break on Wednesday, and students came back on Thursday. Then on Friday, it snowed! I guess God thought we needed another break after working for 2 whole days! Haha! The weathermen were acting like we weren't really going to get anything, so I had a feeling we just might. When my alarm went off at 5 Friday morning, it was snowing heavily and it didn't stop until nearly 11. I had 2 very excited little girls begging to go outside and play in it.

    So, of course, that's what we did. It was so cold out, but they had too much fun to care. It was too dry and fluffy to make snowmen, but it didn't stop Rylee from making snowballs that would explode into freezing snow puffs when she threw them at us. It was so funny.

     We played outside for about 45 minutes before we were too cold to take it any more. Then we spent the rest of the day playing inside, enjoying our unexpected day off.

     Ryan had to work Friday, so Saturday morning, the girls convinced him he needed to play in the snow with them. It was still so cold, but they played outside for over an hour before calling it quits.

   Sunday, we stayed in all day and spent time together as a family. It was still below freezing so some of the roads were still pretty rough, so we couldn't make it to church. Since it never got above freezing all weekend, the roads were still too bad this morning for us to go to school, so we got another snow day. It finally warmed up today, and everything is finally melting away. The girls spent a lot of time outside today while I worked on some lesson plans and tried to make sure I am back on track to get back into the swing of things tomorrow. We had such a fun long weekend. And now I can't wait to get back to school and hear all about how my 20 Pre-K babies spent their snow days!

Hello 2017*

     We started out New Year's Eve by celebrating Jenna's 5th birthday! I cannot believe she is already 5-year-old! Time is really flying! She had a Troll birthday party and Payton Joy had an absolute blast! Rylee Love took a while to warm up, but after spending most of the party coloring in the Troll coloring books that Jenna gave out as party favors, she finally joined in to play with the other kids towards the end of the party.

     After the party, we headed where we have spent every New Year's Eve since 2012: Liz and Brandon's. The kids had a blast playing with all the new toys from Christmas and pigging out on pizza and Brandon cooked us Chicken and Dumplin's! Yum! 

      When we left, Rylee Love stayed behind for a slumber party with Kaden. Both kids have been begging for a sleepover for a while now, so they were both ecstatic! Bless Aunt Liz and Uncle Brandon's hearts because these 2 excited kiddos stayed up until 11 playing and laughing.

     This morning at church, Payton was so thrilled to see Rylee walk in. You would have thought she'd been gone for a month instead of 1 night. It was sweet. Then after church we headed to Jackson to use some gift cards we had from Christmas and just spend the day together as a family. It was great!

     We had a pretty good 2016, even though it definitely had its ups and downs. We got to spend time with those we love, watch our beautiful girls grow, spend some time with our toes in the sand and the sun on our skin, and witness a miracle transformation in my brother's life. Even in the difficult moments-the unexpected move, my rims getting damaged, Ryan's unpredictable work shifts, and watching my strained relationship with my parents turn into a nonexistent relationship-I could feel that everything that was happening was happening in accordance to God's perfect plan. Even though the move was not in our plan, the lower rent at our new house is allowing us to save up so we can hopefully buy a home of our own one day. Ryan will be returning to work for American Greetings next week, so he will have a much more stable work-life. We may not be able to get much time together during the week with his "new" job, but being less stressed will allow us to enjoy our time together so much more. Hid recent over-time heavy work schedule and his upcoming shift change has also encouraged me to be a much more mindful parent. When it's just me and the girls at home, I am forced to pay more attention and be even more present in their lives. They are growing up so quickly and I am thankful for the extra push to enjoy every moment. That leads me to my resolutions for 2017. This year I have 3.
     1. I want to spend less time on social media and more time in my Bible.
     2. I want to be more present in the lives of everyone I love and fight the urge to stay          off by myself.
     3. I want to drink more water and less diet coke. (Diet Coke has been my best                  friend in 2016 and it's time for me to cut back. I know I can't/won't commit to                  quitting right now, but maybe if I cut back now I can quit it in 2018, who knows?